Painful Love
by frk-werewolf
Summary: Remus thinks about relationships, specifically his relationship with James. MWPP-era. warning: slash - RemusJames


Title: Painful Love

Author: frkwerewolf

Pairing: Remus/James

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Remus thinks about relationships, specifically his relationship with James.

Notes: for lunarfics Full Moon of Sept. 28th Challenge, where I chose for this fic the five words: promise, moonlight, anxious, quiet, mystery

* * *

Remus knows that James isn't honest with the rest of the Marauders. Or maybe it was more truthful to say the rest of the school? Remus supposes that doesn't really matter, as long as he knows. He never really was one to show his emotions visually. James understands this. So, maybe it's not a big deal.

Yet, Remus can't help but wonder what it would be like. To walk down to breakfast holding his hand? Surely that would be worth the ridicule they would face? Society is a mystery to Remus, so he isn't certain. Still, he knows that James is afraid.

So, he accepts it. He agrees to meet only in the cover of a darkened classroom, where no one can interfere. Remus has never told James that there is a large possibility of Filch discovering them. James is hardly a quiet lover.

And yet, Remus wonders if he has the right to call him that. Lover. Could they be called lovers? They never go out; they never hold hands. Their relationship consists of snogging in an empty room. Hands under robes. James' teeth nipping at his collar. Remus' hands always seem to find their way to James' arse, simply to pull him closer.

Maybe Remus thinks too much on it. Sitting in the library, away from the careful eye of Madame Pince, Remus finds that thinking about James is all he can do. It's often said that love isn't easy, but Remus can't use that idea in this situation. Because they aren't in love. At least, Remus doesn't think so. He cares. He cares so deeply that it feels like his heart will stop beating every time James flirts with Lily Evans.

If that's love, Remus doesn't want it. It's painful. Too painful. It makes him depressed, really. And anxious. The emotion isn't something Remus enjoys, to put it simply. How do you tell someone that, though? How do you go up to a person that considers you simply a friend with benefits and tell them that you will no longer service their split sexuality simply because it's starting to hurt? Hurt emotionally. Hurt mentally. Remus half expects to get sharp pain coming down his chest any moment to add to it.

Sometimes Remus wonders if this isn't adding up to something. All of these secrets and false promises. Perhaps it's all leading up to some great secret, or lie, in the future that will destroy them all. Strip away their friendship and leave each and every one of them lonely and helpless. Remus really doesn't like to think about it. Yet, he can't help himself.

There was a time when Remus would have went to Sirius about this. That ended last year, when Sirius had led Severus Snape to the Whomping Willow. Remus had forgiven him, as best as he could. But they would never be the same, Remus knows this. So, that left Remus with no one to talk with on the problems plaguing him. Peter was an option, but the younger Marauder was slowly separating himself from their group, though Remus did not know why.

Remus once told James that he would always be there for him, no matter what. He later told Sirius and Peter the exact same thing. It had never came to his attention that they had not returned the sentiment. So, Remus sits in the library, head in his hands, wondering what all of this means.

His heart is aching, his head is pounding, and for once in his life Remus wished it was the full moon. Perhaps, under the moonlight, his wolf would not worry. Leaving Remus to be free of this depression.

He can hear footsteps behind him. Remus doesn't look over his shoulder, hoping if he doesn't see the person then he, too, will go unnoticed. Remus knows he has bad luck, and this thought is reinforced when James slips into the chair across from him. They sit in silence. Remus stares down at the table, he's not sure where James is looking.

"Moony?" James' voice whispers. Remus doesn't want to look up, but he does so against his own will. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, James." Remus replies. He inwardly cringes at his own voice, which sounds like it's on the verge of tears.

"No, you're not okay." James says. "Tell me what's wrong."

"There is nothing wrong." Remus tells him, looking away. He can see James' hand ball into fists on top of the table. "Did you need something?"

"Moony, just tell me what's wrong. I can't help you unless you tell me." James says in a voice so low that Remus is straining to hear him. There is a pause before James continues. "And I came in here to see if you were okay. So, until you tell me, I'm not leaving."

"I don't see why you're being so pushy. There is nothing going on." Remus says, trying to maintain his calm exterior.

"You're a liar."

"Excuse me?" Remus looks across the table at him. James stares back at him, eyes narrowed. "You have a lot of nerve to call me a liar."

"Sorry." James replies, though his face shows that he's not sorry at all. Remus wants to look away, he wants to run, but he can't. He won't.

"James, why don't you just go and find Lily. I'm sure she wouldn't mind your company." Remus knows he's being rude. He knows his voice sounds hurt and angry. And for the life of him, Remus doesn't know how to stop these emotions from escaping. He's held everything in for so long, he can't take it anymore.

"What is that suppose to mean?" James asks, looking like he has been hit.

"I think you know." Remus tells him. He looks away, unable to maintain James' steady gaze.

"You're jealous." James states.

"I'm not." Remus denies. But he is, he knows he is. How else should he feel? He wants to scream at James, try to get him to realize what he is doing to him. But it's useless. Remus doesn't want to be having this conversation. He doesn't want to give into the temptation of tearing into James verbally. He doesn't want James to know. How much it hurts.

"You are." James says, sounding a lot more calm than Remus knows he's feeling. Remus wants to be shocked. James isn't the type to maintain his head in a situation. Yet, Remus can't bring himself to even care about that at the moment.

"This is pointless, James." Remus says.

"I know you're mad at me." James tells him. "You always call me James instead of Prongs when you're mad. I can try to fix it. I can try to fix what's wrong, Moony, if you'd just tell me what's wrong."

"I don't want to tell you." Remus admits. "I don't want to anger you. I don't want to fight, James. I'm tired of it."

"Tired? We don't fight that much." James says, looking confused.

"No... I'm tired of us." Remus whispers.

"Us?" James frowns. "I don't... What do you mean?"

"I'm tired of being a toy to you." Remus replies. "I don't want to be something you play with on the side to curb your cravings, James. I can't take it anymore..."

"But... I thought." James looks away, biting his lip. "I thought you liked-"

"I like it. I love it." Remus interrupts. "James, that's the problem. I like it too much."

"You..." James trails off, his eyes widening. "Oh. Oh!"

"Yeah." Remus whispers, staring down at his hands.

"I didn't know." James says. "I'm sorry, Moony. I don't... I don't know what to say or do."

"Just... Leave me alone? Go find Lily." Remus replies.

"But... Moony..." James trails off again, and Remus can recognize that he's thinking. "I'm so sorry, Moony."

"Don't be. It's my fault." Remus tells him.

"No, it's not." James insists. "I shouldn't be doing this. I need to make up my mind: You or Lily. I just... Remus, I don't want to give you up."

"You can't have both of us, but you already know that." Remus says, looking up at him.

"I don't even have Lily." James snorts, shaking his head. "I want her, I can't deny that. But I want you, too."

"Ja-"

"No, let me finish." James interrupts. "I want her. I like her, Remus. I do, but I don't know what being with her would be like. I can't claim to love her. I don't know if I ever will. Remus... You... I know that I love being with you. I love your personality. I love your hands. Your eyes are amazing. I know this, I just don't want to admit it. I don't want to admit to myself that there is a very high possibility that I could... Fall in love with you."

"I know the feeling." Remus replies.

"Should I give you up to take a blind dive, or give up something I never had to begin with for you? That's the question, isn't it?" James muses.

"I suppose now you just have to answer it." Remus says softly.

"Yeah." James agrees.

Remus can feel the tension in the air. He can also feel something deep inside him bursting with glee. Not because there is a chance that James will let him go, but because James is questioning it to begin with. He never thought that James would even consider him. Lily has been everything James talks about in front of the others for the past three years.

The silence stretches. Remus can feel James' eyes on him, but he doesn't want to look up. He doesn't want to know the answer. He's suddenly realizes that he's going to be okay no matter what James' chooses. As long as he knows where he stands in all of this. That's all he wants, to be a part of them, his friends. To be a part of James' life, especially. He knows that if James chooses Lily, they will remain friends. And he can handle that. At the moment, he's also okay with the mystery of not knowing. The silence is comforting.

"Moony?" James' voice is soft.

"Yeah, Prongs?" Remus asks, looking up. James greets him with a smile and slowly slides his hand across the table. Remus allows his hand to be taken, letting his finger entwine with James'. His hands look pale compared to James'. James squeezes his hand, and he answers it with his own squeeze.

"I know who I want." James says. Remus allows his eyes to travel up James' arm until he reaches his brown eyes. "But I suppose the question is whether he was take me or not."

"He?" Remus raises an eyebrow and James merely grins in response. "I think it's safe to say that he will have you, Prongs."

"Are you sure?" James asks. A smile plays at Remus' lips.

"Positive."


End file.
